You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
