Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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