I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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