My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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