Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
