There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize