He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
