My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
