Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
