your parents love me but you hate me
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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