just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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