Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
