Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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