I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He did a backflip because drugs
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