Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
