you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
