my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
