I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
