3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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