Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
