i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
