Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
