Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
