there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
