carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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