: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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