zippers are such a cool invention
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
