we're blogging at a bar
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
