She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
