So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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