I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
