Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
