Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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