Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm really busy with my period
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