You're completely useless in the revolution.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
