Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
