A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
