i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
