I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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