I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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