Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
if i can run in heels then i can drive
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
