Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
