Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's blow job season.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
