Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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