I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
