There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
