i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
