This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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