I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
They have beer where we have blood.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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