I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
