What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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