I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
