We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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