She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
