the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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