I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
