you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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