Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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