it hurts more in the daytime
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
