i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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