after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
